We’ve made it to July. God is good.
Time is an unbothered queen. She’s going whether you’re coming along or not. So yeah, even though it feels like everything should have stopped, it didn’t. And I’ve said this before, humanity will keep chugging along until the wheels fall off, until the clouds burst open, until the waters dry up. And time will remain completely indifferent. Bored even.
So, I’ve tried to remove the constraints I usually hold myself to because of time (like how I should be somebody’s rich aunty by now). It has allowed me to give myself an abundance of grace. I’ve almost relaxed into a state of pretending things aren’t happening: I’m not eating these Oreos irl, I didn’t turn 30, I didn’t buy all those clothes…2020 is not real.
But I risk the erasure of a lot of important things if I simply allow denial to swallow me up. I need to accept that things are real, that it happened and is happening, and most importantly how it’s affecting me and the ones I love. So grace for me in this time is not so much about pretending like everything is okay, but more so accepting that it is not and allowing myself to let that resonate.
And its difficult to do that. I find myself to be a very nostalgic person. I yearn for the past often because I have such (fake) fond memories of it. I barely remember being poor. In my mind’s eye everything was funny, and I was young and carefree. I wonder when 2020 will be funny. In 2030? Even ten years seem too soon.
And it’s difficult too because we don’t confront things. I didn’t realize we were all so great at collective avoidance until covid-19. There’s literally millions of people pretending its over; tons of people displaced, food insecure, and jobless and we’re not talking about it. At least not enough. We’ve publicly moved on so now the disease is going to have to chase us in the dreaded second wave for us to take it seriously again. Covid-19: the crazy ex you broke up with after cuffing season will reappear in your dms by August.
This happens with a number of things. We’re either nostalgic about too much or we move on too fast. It’s so weird to me when there’s memes about 2020 in February. Like how is the year already funny two months in fam? Are we in the experience or not? Because we sure spend a lot of time making jokes about it like it’s happening to somebody else.
We keep asking for an Obama presidency. It’s over. I get it, but it’s over. We’re not eating from the table set in front of us. We’re asking for 2021, 2019 and 2008. Which is it? Do we want a future or the past?
Its not that we’re directionless its that’s we literally want nothing to do with the now. And I get it. Denial is extremely alluring. Avoidance is really tempting. It gives you the boost to carry on and literally pretend you don’t see what’s happening right in front of your face. It fits your narrative on how you want to live your life. It makes the now palpable, bearable, digestible. And its so much easier because we all do it together! If you move on, then I’ll move on; then you’ll travel and then I’ll stop wearing masks; and I’ll stop posting about Black people and then you’ll talk about what you got at the mall. And we create this public perception that its handled while we privately suffer.
I make a stance, here and now, that I will no longer avoid my present, but I will declare when I’ve had quite enough. I will not deny that I’m 2020’s bitch because she’s teaching me some lessons that I clearly need to learn. I’m not going to pretend that life is perfect, and I don’t feel marginalized. And I’m not going to do it for show, and I’m not going to call it being ‘real’ because there’s enough of that and I think we know its not real but rather profitable.
I’m not going to pretend I’m a positive person. I’m not and frankly positive people give. me. rashes. I don’t process that way; I process by complaining about every single thing, so bye. I’m not going to pretend I’m not watching and judging y’all over the rim of my old lady glasses. I’m going to acknowledge that I want community and detest it at the same time. I’m even going to ACKNOWLEDGE grey hair one, two, and three. Yep. I said it. I have three 2020 grey hairs. It is what it is. I’m living in the present.