For several months most of this was cute.
Eating Oreos, binge watching shows, zooming with everyone and their mother.
It was like an extended adult sleep over with people you already lived with.
It was strange but almost adventurous.
Then it was weird.
Then it was depressing.
Now it’s a quiet chaos.
I will be the first to profess that normalcy is relative. But what even is this?
Now I’m cheering myself on for waking up and making it to the afternoon.
Then I try to make the best of the evenings. I try to force productivity. Pep talk myself when that fails. By 10 p.m. I’m sleepy. Start fresh tomorrow.
Tomorrow comes and I repeat.
Start fresh on Monday.
2020 comes with another hat trick. Start fresh next month maybe.
I’m somewhere between needing to do something and being grateful just for not losing it.
Somewhere between restoring my faith (in myself not other humans) and completely ignoring the pieces of the sky falling at my feet. Carry on while it feels like you’ve been cast as the lead in the world’s worst movie.
And what else are we going to do? Take the three month retreat into the woods that our minds and bodies yearn for?
Yeah we’re not set up for that.
I would come back after three months to squatters in my home and my bills waiting diligently for me by the door step in crisp white envelopes.
I said several posts ago that we’re going to keep churning along until the wheels fall off; until the sky bursts open or the ground opens up and sink us all into hell.
Until that happens it looks like we’ve decided to carry society along at the expense of our own well-being. Because what would happen if we actually stopped. Not possible. Not even for a second. Maybe your freedom is fake.
I made a comment to my friend recently that I felt like my discernment was off. I wasn’t hearing what I needed to hear, and I wasn’t taking care of myself. So, I decided to retreat a bit away from social media, television, politics, and even certain people.
I didn’t even do it clean, but it has made a difference and I’m starting to feel a bit restored in myself.
I was reminded that there are certain things that will happen whether I wake up the next day to witness it or not. And that’s not to say we should be nonchalant about all the problems of the world. But it is to say that some days there is only enough in you for yourself.
The reason we feel so emotionally depleted is because we are expending our energy and not replacing it with anything. We are just working off of fumes, and wondering why we are feeling so emotionally and mentally drained. We want to stop but its too hard. Too scary. What would we do with all the broken pieces of ourselves.
What are you doing to pour into yourself? What are you doing to sustain your peace of mind?
Its so hard to take a moment because it feels like we’ve had all the time in the world for moments right? But what have we done with that time? Again–eating Oreos (some of y’all are producing though).
We were on this speeding train called life—it was going so fast we could ignore all the GLARING issues in our life. Now that 2020 has slowed that train down to 25 mph—we have no choice but to face these issues without the crutch of distractions, the usual coping mechanisms, and the excuse of having no time. Now we have more time. Now a lot of those issues are almost entirely unavoidable. Is that why we are feeling so lost? Because now we have to sit in our truths and we don’t want to do it, and more importantly we don’t know how.
I know it’s hard but give yourself grace. I know we’ve be socialized to believe that if we pull ourselves up by our boot straps we can implement changes by 5 p.m. the next day. Real life doesn’t work like that. Yes real life. That thing everybody pretends to do in photos. No actual real life doesn’t work that way. It is a choice you have to make every single day—to prioritize yourself, to be better, to love you, to face those truths, to make changes and to live your best self. Every day we have to make the choice. And we are just realizing that now.
I challenge everyone to really shut everything else out and tune into yourself. Even for a little while. The rest of this year will guaranteed be challenging. Nothing else will be more important than finding your peace. Because doing that will be like bracing yourself for the worst and fortifying yourself for our new normal.
I want to get to a place where I’m so at peace that I can really carrying on without flinching. Because things are coming, but we’re going to be alright.